The Beginning Of Wisdom: The Family

We all know that family life leaves its imprint on every mind and heart, every soul and psyche. Early experiences in family have lasting influence on our moral character and social behavior.

Childhood learning does not nullify adult responsibility in later life. Every adult is responsible and accountable for his/her choices and behavior. But family life is our first experience as moral persons in a morally-conflicted world.

Prior to their marriage, both should have sufficient knowledge of what marriage entails and be free from obstacles hindering the validity of their union in the eyes of God and the State … so they may knowingly express their mutual love and intention to unite in an exclusive, life-long commitment.

In marriage and family life, their God-given responsibilities are to enhance the social, spiritual and psychological growth of each other and of their children, even at the cost of personal sacrifice.

Teaching Wisdom’s Basics

Family learning revolves around the profound influence of mother (female) and father (male). Every parents’ responsibility is to raise children in sync with authentic Wisdom, both secular and sacred, human and Divine.

Authentic Wisdom (not merely knowledge) is handed down over millennia by Nature and Sacred Scripture, by family and culture, by religion and proper education, by law and tradition, by instinct and Common Sense.

In this context, human knowledge concerns the “what” and “how to” of life. Authentic Wisdom reveals the “Why” and the “Who.” Authentic Wisdom stresses (1) our need to acknowledge our dependence on our Creator, (2) Scripture’s plentiful directions about how to mature in our relationship with our Creator, and (3) the fact that we are born into the Loving Mystery of Life itself.

We live in a secularized world which is often hostile to these truths - a radically secular world of seductive values to which we are vulnerable. Thus, it is essential that family life teach us:

• to know our responsibilities to God and one another,
• to obey our God-given limits as created persons,
• to recognize the fallacies of rampant individualism, and
• to stay on the path of Virtue as responsible and accountable persons.

An example: Sexual identity is biological, even if some men believe they are women trapped in the wrong body. Science insists that every cell in that person’s body says, “Nope; you’re still a guy.” In other words, wishing does not change Nature’s realities nor exempt anyone from the limits of human “freedom.”

Standards

Clearly, age-old standards of adult behavior are central to family life and parental responsibility. Traditional standards are critical not only for family life, but also for the Common Good of society. These standards include:

• obedience to legitimate authority, i.e., to God’s Commandments and to the just laws of society;
• self-restraint in private and public affairs;
• respect for truth in word and deed;
• intelligent humility (which is not self-debasement);
• reasonable accountability for one’s behavior;
• identifying and correcting moral blind spots;
• observing norms of decency and civility;
• listening to others with open mind and heart;
• on and on.

Love And Wisdom

Today, progressive modernists seek to undermine traditional family unity. But assaults on tradition cannot change the fact that traditional family has been the foundation of civilized humanity for millennia. Traditional family teaches these ideals:

1. That we act with True Love … act as loving persons, not in a maudlin, shallow, self-centered or sexually-carefree way but in a self-restrained, generous and forgiving manner; and,
2. That in family life and in society, as responsible adults, we act with Wisdom’s insights and Virtue’s restraints, not with self-centered ambition nor indulging our oft-wayward impulses.

True Love and Wisdom – these are the abiding strengths of solid family life. In our culture of ruthless individualism, the strengths of the traditional family are critical for individual and cultural sanity and for the Common Good.

Let us examine the practical side of these strengths.

Loving As Personal Investment

What does True Love really entail?

To begin with, our culture has given the word “love” a bad rap. True Love is not merely a “feeling” or a romantic escapade or sexual indulgence. Rather, True Love is a conviction, a way of life, a consistent frame of mind and heart.

True Love is patient and kind with friends and strangers, even when tempted to intemperate harangue. In adversity, even with unkind and unlovable folks, True Love hangs on with patience and forbearance.

True Love is never jealous or boastful, nor are True Lovers conceited or oblivious to their impact on others.

• They’re not rude and do not act as if they’re superior to others, nor do they manipulate others.
• They certainly do not lie or exaggerate.
• They do not play to the crowd for admiration.
• They do not easily take offense, even when it is intended, nor do they nurse grievances and seek revenge.
• They listen with eyes as well as ears, heart as well as head.

True Lovers do not rejoice in evil, nor relish untruth nor delight in wrongdoing. They extend forgiveness and compassion, altruism and empathy. They do not twist words nor make empty promises.

They give the benefit of every doubt and make allowances for error. They seek clarity rather than self-righteous anger. They maintain trust as long as they can … and remain steady in hope. And when others fall away, True Love still perseveres. Even when rebuffed, True Love still prayerfully hangs on.

Yes, But . . .

When we were young, we thought as children. Now, we have adult responsibilities; we are (or should be) beyond our childish ways and flimsy excuses. Virtue should now make sense to us, since we are now called as adults to maintain our Faith and our Hope … and deepen our True Love.

And who, pray tell, are we supposed to love?

1. We start with the fact that God’s Love for us is a given;
2. Next, we struggle to love God - but there’s more;
3. We are also called to generous, self-restrained love

• for our family,
• for our “neighbors” - and strangers near and far, and
• for ourselves – but not in conceited, selfish ways.

Intelligent self-love begins with forgiving ourselves for our past sins, offenses and negligence, and renewing our sincere intention to seek Virtue … and we persevere.

For many folks, that’s difficult, but Wisdom says, “Do it …. Now!”

This is the life of Virtue to which we are called as members of our family … and as members of countless communities.

Wisdom Imparting

These qualities have countless benefits for every community. They do not come easily to some people, and are often forgotten when emotions bubble. Nonetheless, they can become a habit, just as every habit we develop.

That’s where Wisdom comes in.

Wisdom grants us practical insights which tell us that we do indeed have choices about how we shall behave and what we shall say to others. Wisdom invites us to seek Goodness, to go beyond our ego’s huffy conceits, tp deliberately choose truth, humility and forgiveness over retaliation and ego-driven puffery.

In the same, vein, Wisdom alerts us to the fact that evil is a personal choice … just as Goodness is our choice.

Wisdom warns us not to harbor bitterness, hatred, envy or harmful ambition, not to boast about how great we are, not to forget that we shelter our own weaknesses in our private lives.

  Wisdom informs us that when we nurse envy or revenge or selfish ambition, we create moral disorder within ourselves. Wisdom advises us to be peace-loving, considerate, merciful, to seek reconciliation rather than conflict … so that we may all live in peace in heart and mind – if at all possible.

Wisdom And Words

Here is a daily example of how Love and Wisdom work:

With our words - written and spoken - we can stimulate conflict or seek harmony. Our words can possess power for good or they can corrupt relationships and create chaos. When others recognize us as reckless with our words, we lose …

So, we can promote goodness or evil by what we say and do. The choice is ours …

Learning the basics of Wisdom and Virtue begins when mother and father make these standards the family’s priorities in words and deeds. Then family life makes significant difference in who we become and what we value.

Our Choice

Our culture is besotted by specious “rights” and spurious “freedoms” which reject God’s sovereignty and disdain religious fidelity, history, science, tradition - and Common Sense.

The Christian message stands out as the only effective response which has, for centuries, supported traditional family life and honored the indispensable roles of mother and father. 

In all of this, remember that good intentions alone don’t make family life a bastion of sweet harmony. Disagreements and grumpy times will occur, and that’s OK - for a while … but …

… we must also ask one another: Are we listening to one another, facing our differences together, seeking resolution together, not closing ourselves off or catering to our conceits? Are we behaving as loving people toward one another – even when we argue?

If not, why not? Wisdom says, “Get to it . . . now!”

Finally . . .

Authentic Wisdom ever advises us to ask Almighty God to bless our family (disagreements included) and to help us bring True Love to one another … even when it hurts our ego.

Furthermore, it is wise of us to be forgiving of one another.

It is wise of us to be a source of trust and unity for one another.

It is wise of us to seek empathy, self-restraint, humility, obedience to the Commandments and to express our gratitude to God.

It is wise of us to ask that our appreciation of God’s Presence stay within our family.

And … it is wise of us to bring True Love, authentic Wisdom and practical Virtue to our family by our words and our example … through Christ our Lord. Why would we ever choose otherwise?

Daniel Boland PhD is a retired psychologist.