The Tough Part Of Maturity

Maturity means, above all else, to think, judge and act with the Wisdom which seeks the betterment of humanity. Wisdom sometimes involves humor and enjoyment of the absurd, but does not entertain arrogance or a fragile ego. Wisdom is not mere “street smarts.” It is, in fact, a life-style which we develop. True Wisdom is without taint of guile or selfish payoff. It is courteous and considerate, gentle and reasonable, ready to listen, compassionate and steadfast in pursuit of Truth … even when the Truth hurts.

The passage of our years does not automatically grant us insight into humanity’s wayward urges. Aging is not a sure source of Wisdom, nor is it a remedy for moral naivete which tenaciously haunts every soul … even us elders.

Let’s look at some of Wisdom’s links to Maturity.

Our Human Heritage

For starters (and this will turn off some readers), if we seek true Wisdom, we strive to live according to the following characteristics, which are truly Virtues:

1. Humility, i.e., listening (without defensiveness) to the Truth about ourselves, however difficult that Truth may be for us to hear and admit;
2. Introspection, the willingness to take to heart the Truth we hear … and seek self-improvement;
3. Discernment, our ongoing recognition that we are never done listening and learning;
4. Faith in God, not only in ourselves and our achievements. Faith is why we persevere in our struggle to live virtuously … and it is also where we learn to be moral persons.

True Wisdom recognizes the centrality of moral acuity in human affairs. “Moral action” means that:

1. we follow our rightly educated (note: educated) conscience and do not seek any goal which our educated conscience says is an immoral choice;
2. we are cautious about what we say and do to others. Wisdom respects the humanity of everyone, even the tedious prattle of the unwitting ego-centrist;
3. we do not kid ourselves about our motives as we nurture our spirituality and honor our moral nature;
4. we respect the fact that we always have choices to do what’s right or wrong. Knowledge of right and wrong is the work of our educated conscience. Our free will allows us to choose the right moral course, no matter what.

Mystery Everywhere

We’re totally immersed in the Mystery of Creation. Maturity recognizes the sacred nature of the Mystery of Life, starting with our own lives … with each breath we take. As Psalm 139 says, “I thank you, God, for the wonder of my being, and for the wonders of all your Creation.”

The Mystery of Creation demands reverence and respect. Maturity is ever-alert to the extraordinary nature of Creation, which many take for granted or credit to their own achievements … or ignore altogether.

Thus, the Mystery of Life inspires us to revere and pursue our spiritual existence and our moral nature. Our struggle for Maturity is surely uplifted by developing our inner life of Faith, spirituality and prayer.

But it is a daily struggle to bridge that gap between our humanity and our Divine origin. And, as I say above, aging does not (of itself) incline us to Faith nor to develop our inner spirituality nor to search for the Divine Source of Wisdom nor to embrace the hard Truths of Maturity.

Indeed, aging often brings physical and emotional distress over which we have no immediate control. But we always have free will and the intelligence to learn. Despite discouraging difficulties, intellect and free will are human nature’s gifts to us; they define humanity … and History is also on our side.

Handling Hurtful Truth

Among Maturity’s many gifts are Introspection and Discernment, useful skills when we are called to be honest about who we are and how we behave, about the facades we create and the false self-images we nourish.

In other words, these skills help us realize how we try to protect our distorted egos from being refuted; how we are tempted to slander those who disagree; how we may slather ourselves with deception about our perfection.

Human beings are prone to protect themselves from hurtful Truth and to demean those who give feedback. Why? Because we often take honest feedback as an attack rather than as an effort to speak truly and honestly and lovingly. It goes like this: If you disagree with me, you attack what I am and what I believe. You intend to offend me - or so I conclude, and we learn nothing from one another, except disrespect and suspicion.

A sense of victory and reveling in another person’s lack of knowledge is often achieved by harsh confrontation and unworthy motives (as our politics often exemplify). We all know that such tactics are most undesirable.

Respect for others means that when we refute their erroneous thinking, we must speak cautiously, with utmost Prudence. Doing so is often the only path to Truth and Maturity - but it’s a path demanding tact and caution.

Socrates points out that being refuted is essential to any civil conversation and, therefore, to the Truth. He held that being refuted (especially in moral matters) is a liberating moment for all … even if Truth hurts.

The Blessings Of Truth

Our human nature includes our moral responsibilities and obligations to God, to ourselves and to one another.

Some people see these Truths as confining; they rage against humanity and deny their moral duty.

Other people look inward and see that their capacity for Goodness offers endless spiritual opportunities.

Maturity says, therefore, that it is unwise to remain a stranger to oneself, to live in denial and defensiveness, avoiding the benefits of truthful feedback from trustworthy others. An old cliché says that “it takes two people to see one person.” Truth will then emerge --- if we listen.

Thus, we need one another. So, recognize your value to me, my value to you - and recognize the fact that we are, after all, offspring of our Divine Creator, God Who made us, each and all.

Finally . . .

How does one reach Maturity?

It is a struggle which even us elders still face each day. It’s also a question which, as I say in the following poem below, is not answered merely by the passing of my years … or yours.

One fact has come clear to me as I age: sometime in our lives, we must – for our own sake – reach out to Our Creator.

Happily, we shall find Him waiting …

… The Privilege Of Now …

To live my life all over again in just one enlightened day;
 

At this late date, what would I do that yet I have not done?
 

To live but one day more, aware;
 

To attend fully to the grandeur of all life;
 

To be of prayerful mind and unceasingly grateful heart,
 

To see my defenses are but weary detours,
 

Impeding my journey, moving me from hopeful respite,
 

Buffering harsh reality that nurtures Truth.
 

To know that knowing is empty without Faith to fill unknowable gaps,
 

To see beyond so many heartless moments,
 

Beyond my ego’s restless need.
 

To remember being loved, then to love renewed with memory’s earnest energies.
 

And, as evening calms my quest, then to say with gratitude and humbly to admit
 

That God Alone is all …
 

That all of life is from His Gracious Hand.
 

Surely, after patient years, the day is now.
 

This is that day of life re-lived, happily upon me still;
 

This blessed day, a lifetime’s gift pursued, eternally fleeting -- but always now.

Daniel Boland PhD is a clinical psychologist residing in California.